Here is a good example of something you shouldn't buy for me.

Courtesy of Brookstone, the wireless remote cooking thermometer.



What's more, the motherfucker talks.


Grilling on the BBQ is a great way to entertain. Constantly standing next to the grill, however, is not.

Gosh, the tension is killing me. I love to grill. I hate standing next to a grill. It's quite a conundrum! Merchant Brookstone, do you have a solution?


Now you can have the freedom to mingle with our remote meat thermometer for BBQ.

Brookstone again! with its finger on the pulse of America.


A voice prompt alerts you when your entrée is “Almost Ready” and “Ready.”

I wish there were a vibrate mode too. That way I could discreetly sneak out of a large lecture to remove my barbecued items from my barbecue grill.


It’s one of the hottest BBQ gifts you can give!

Clever!


A remote meat thermometer for BBQ takes the guesswork out of grilling.

It's an obvious point, but this sentence is just as true if you remove “remote.” Do not interpret this remark as a request for an old-fashioned meat thermometer.


Brookstone BBQ gifts sizzle with innovation.

Touché.


Remote meat thermometer for BBQ works from up to 300 feet away.

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME. My current remote meat thermometer kicks out at around 220 feet, and many times I have found myself wanting to be another 75 or even 80 feet from my grill.

I wonder: when I hear “Almost Ready,” do I have enough time to comfortably traverse 300 feet? Does the remote device know how far I am from the grill? The next version of this product should be GPS-powered. Brookstone, don't tell me you don't have the technology!

Bonus Safety Recommendation: if there are kids around, make sure there is an adult within 300 feet of any grill in use, remote meat thermometer-equipped or not.


Belt clip for added freedom.

Typical meat thermometers come with less freedom. Also, they fail to support our troops. Good Americans buy the remote meat thermometer and receive two installments of freedom: freedom to mingle, and freedom to use one's hands while mingling. (Note the hand usage freedom is added by the belt clip.)


Display backlight for convenient night grilling.

But it's so dark at night! Is it safe to grill then? Yes!

Brookstone, how did you miss this opportunity to promote your handle mount grill light which “literally brightens any meal”? As far as BBQ gifts go, I must agree it's “a truly brilliant idea that puts the spotlight on your cooking!”